Mortgage Lender's Iron Fist In Velvet Glove
Sydney Morning Herald
Wednesday September 20, 2006
IN MY former life as a publicist I released more than my fair share of euphemisms into the public arena. Karma bit me back hard the other day, in the form of a letter from my mortgage provider, let's call it CrazyRates.
CrazyRates took euphemism to a new level in its last mail-out. What looked like a harmless letter was really a scientifically tested and incredibly effective tool for sending the reader's blood pressure off the scale.The opening paragraph congratulated me on reaching an important milestone in the life of my mortgage - an interest rate rise. How did they know that was on my list of goals for 2006? Good manners would suggest that they would have been well off keeping their heads down for a while, or at least until I had got my head around the idea of eating thin gruel, darning and having TV as my primary source of entertainment for the next decade. Hell, no.The second paragraph trumpeted that their customer priority team was ready to talk me through a number of attractive options and select the one that was right for me. So madam, will that be thin, thinner or thinnest gruel? Reading by candlelight without tears? Make your own fun made easy?Three of those options were outlined in the letter. The first involved changing to another variable CrazyRates loan, with the usual $300 transfer fee generously waived. There was also a subtle exhortation to consider their line of credit products, offering masochistic customers the added luxury of experiencing an even more intense version of that "hurts so good" rate rise. The second option allowed mortgagees to fix their rate for one, two or five years. Sure you know what you are up for, but when the rate is the same as Zimbabwe's inflation rate (but a bit higher) it is hardly an advantage, is it? Not according to the chirpy consultant who rang me (obviously they had cottoned on to the fact that none of their customers could afford to use the phone any more). Just as Scientologists are convinced that L. Ron Hubbard was sane, this guy really seemed to believe that chaining myself to a worse than market rate before the market got that bad was a great idea. Their third stunningly generous, innovative offer was a cunning combination of the above two. It would have allowed me to have some variable loan (to experience the pain in line with market forces), some fixed (to experience the pain ahead of market forces) and some extra credit to maximise the indebtedness (so that extreme mortgagees could experience maximum pain).Because my old rate no longer existed, I had to play along and choose something. I locked in for a couple of years, sparing me the agony of dealing with them until at least 2008.It was then I made a solemn pact with God to never, ever, under any circumstances, abuse the gentle art of euphemism.
© 2006 Sydney Morning Herald